Maryam Maryssa part 2

After my csect, the nurses wheeled me to my bed in the ward.. i didnt know straight away that baby M was in NICU (neonatal intensive care unit)..it was only after i was at the ward n doss came n told me that the dr had put baby M at NICU because when she was at the labour room she had some peculiar breathing sounds n they also want to check her sugar level.. the 1st pic of our baby M was devastating..she had tubes around her face..

It was reaaaaly unexpected..u see, i'm the 4th child and all my siblings are married and have children..all my life i have always had role models for everything..even for during pregnancy etc..so i've sort of 'prepared' myself for all possibilty except the possibility that baby M might be in NICU..

At the ward, the common process was a mom would be admitted for 24 hours only..she comes in..wait for awhile..goes into labour..have the newborn baby next to her n within a few a hours they can go home..

So i was one of the moms who didnt have her baby beside her after giving birth..that was hard..

I immediately told the nurses that i want to go see my baby coz she is in NICU..but she told me since i just came out of an operation..i cant move until the next day..until they've taken off all the tubes off me..seriously masa tu i tak terpikir pun pasal my wound or my operation or sakit or anything.. at that time i was just pissed at the nurse for having the nerve to tell me that i can't see my baby..

Doss came n i immediately started crying.. he calmed me down n told me i needed to get better coz only then i can go see baby M.. masyaAllah.. imagine my hubs had to run down to level 1 to see baby n then come up to level 2 to see his wife yang dok sedih x dpt tgk baby.. plus he hasn't slept from 12 am the day before..

It was really a dugaan week for him after that..

The dr n nurses kept asking whether i've farted or have i gone to the toilet.. n i really berdoa n prayed n gagahkan diri to jalan n bangun n duduk so that i can see my baby as soon as possible..that night i wept as i look at her pic with tubes all over n everytime i spoke to anyone over the phone, be it my mom, doss, my sisters..asyik nangis je.. i told doss he had to come over to the hospital after subuh coz i want to see my baby pagi2 lagi..

I was a bit upset with him x allow me to bersalin at HUKM specialist centre.. if i had my own room surely doss or my mom could have stayed with me throughout the ordeal..

The next day the dr explained that they needed to stabilise Maryam's sugar level.. this is because she had been producing extra insulin for me whilst in my tummy..thats y dr couldnt detect my sugar was high mase pregnant..MasyaAllah anak syurga betul la kamu Maryam Maryssa..

But seriously..for a 1st time mother n parent, well actually for any mother, nothing can prepare you when u have ur newborn in the NICU.. it was really heartbreaking..at the same time we still kna jaga our emosi so that we dont get post natal depression or meroyan..

With my milk tak keluar because baby M couldnt suckle as she was strapped on with tubes n i tried pumping n none came out..n most probably due to stress also.. everytime i went back to the ward with no baby beside me when all the other mommies had their baby with them..it was hard..

By day 3 dr said I could go back coz my would all ok..but my baby couldnt go back yet.. at hukm their NICU didnt have a bed for mummy next to the baby..they had a waiting area with few beds n washroom but it was outside the NICU n it was quite a walk for a mom yang baru csect.. if i wanted to stay with baby i had to sleep on the oh so uncomfortable chair.. i did try for one night but it was sooo cold n i couldnt get rest at all coz had to change the baby, had to try to pump n the nurses kept on asking, 'ade x susu..ade x susu...pump je pump je..' which was not helping at all.. it made me more depressed..

But how can i leave my baby alone..will it make me a bad mom if i left her..if i go back i'm just gonna cry n cry coz i am not with her.. it was really2 tough.. n i started to think about mommies with premmie babies who had to stay in NICU for months.. MasyaAllah..u r all supermoms..

I told doss it was too cold for me to stay there n we wanted to check the waiting room n after walking there slowly.. he asked me whether i can manage on my own if i stayed there..having to walk back n forth.. n i told him i don't knw.. n i just burst out crying when he wanted to leave..

Alhamdulillah for Allah has chosen such a strong willed husband for me.. at that time he just told me to get my things n he wants to take me home to rest.. i cried and i told him for sure he would think less of me as I can even chin up n be there for my baby..that i was a bad mom.. he just hugged me and took me home and put me to bed n promised me that when i wake up we will go n visit maryam again..

(It was only after maryam was 1 year plus, i asked him how did he managed to be so strong n kept his composure throughout our ordeal..it was only then he said he did cry when he was at home but he knew one of us had to be the strong one in those trying times)

It was along day 4 or 5 that i made the 1st bad decision as a mother..maryam was no longer had tubes around her face n i was hoping that she can go back that day.. one look at her n i saw she was a bit yellow but i didnt tell the anyone.. even when the dr said he feels maryam can be discharged but just have to wait for his professor to make her rounds then they will settle all the paperwork for discharge.. i was ecstatic..

But then his prof came n just one look she said, 'kuning baby ni..' n my face dropped n terus menangis...

Doss said better for her to be there and fully recovered from everything before we bring her back..so we had to go back without baby again..boo hooooo...

It was only after 2 days later, Maryam was allowed to go back with us and our lives with our anak syurga has never been the same.. she has brought us soooo much joy and happiness and we are so blessed to have her..

Bonda loves you Maryam Maryssa.

My 1st born - Maryam Maryssa

Whilst typing this post, my 5 months old second born, Zaynab Madihah is screaming coz her pacifier jatuh and mengamuk2 nak tido..huhu

Yes, in a span of 2 years I've had a c-sect and a VBAC, Alhamdulillah.

Maryam was born on 25th January 2013 and Zaynab on 2nd September 2014. Wow, menarik kan.. memang tak plan and mmg kena marah ngn doctor..

Well generally the advise is to have a 2 year gap in between your kids so that ur c sect wounds can heal properly and also because if your 2nd one pun c-sect n too near apart..its not good for the mom laa..

Mmg honestly, after Maryam we did not opt for any contraception and just opt for coitus interuptus which I personally feel memang agak tak senang for you to be wholly or totally discipline.. i even had my period tracker n what not..

But Allah had better plans, Amin.

Well in my other post, in sha Allah I will try to post more in my blog k, will talk about Zaynab's delivery..this post is with regards to Maryam's initial journey to this world ;)

Alhamdulillah my husband, Doss and I were likeminded about having babies right after marriage..that was a no brainer between us..both of us were overjoyed when we discovered we were pregnant.. MasyaAllah I can almost recall the exact moment now when we found out.. ;)

Since Doss is a 1st born or anak sulung and 1st grandson or cucu pertama, our baby was the much awaited and anticipated baby.. our joy was shared by many.. Alhamdulillah..

On my side, Maryam is to be cucu no.8 n 4th granddaughter ;)

My first and second trimester was not that bad.. i almost didnt have an appetite and because i'm not the average sized lady..my tummy didn't even show..i even had the sakit hati question.. 'u sure u're pregnant?' Mak aih...

But right after my 7th month, my tummy n baby started to membesar dengan jayanya.. n starting that day started the term, baby besar or big baby started..

Since masa pregnant i did not really have an appetite so biasalah start to worry baby will not get enough 'food' la..nutrients la..so I opt to drink anmum..but halfway thru I stopped coz my obygyn said all this 'mommy' drinks usually contained too much sugar.. so I changed to Dutch Lady.. all flavor..like the usual chocolate..strawberry..coffee..n sometimes full cream or low fat..

By 32 weeks like that the doctors were getting worried as to why my baby suddenly had grown bigger.. I did the sugar test..i.e minum air gula n tested negative for diabetes..

But I didnt like my obygyn in shah alam so i opted to give birth in HUKM.. for anyone who nak give birth in HUKM u have to register at its Obygyn clinic and have at least one check up with them n then they will entertain you nk give birth at hukm n be given priority..usually walk in patients they tak layan..

Anyway..at 35+ weeks my brother in law got married n attended all his majlis and 3 days after his majlis selesai, on a monday at 36 weeks I was admitted to HUKM.. i was admitted sebab baby kurang gerak..that day I counted n it was less than 10..so dr wanted to observe me..

2 days admitted dr said my baby was approx. 3.6kg so she is fully developed and all n she advise me that I can opt to induce.. (well at that time, 1st time parents, didnt have much info n/or support group..) n my husband said since we've already registered n all tucked in at HUKM..might as well.. n also he said nnt balik if baby kurang gerak lagi..we have to come back..

No one, maybe at that point in time mmg x rezeki kan..no one told us to wait for natural feeling of contractions etc..

So on wednesday we opt to induce..thurs they induced n I was ok..x sakit..can gelak2 with hubs..was quite relaxed..

By 12am they pushed me to labour room.. at that time baru 3cm.. they did VE..they inserted the induce pill.. n in the labour room, the 1st thing they did was to masukkan ubat to clear off all ur poop etc.. omg..ubat tu.. x menyempat nk g toilet..huhu..

N the paling tak best thing about being induced is that they have to monitor the baby so they will strap the scan or device at ur tummy at all times.. so u cant move freely..ur stuck to the bed..

And for maryam..we waited for 12 hours and the 4 hourly v.e check up had the same results.. 3 cm..

Before the last v.e dr asked me whether i wanted to have epidural n kurang pengetahuan i said yes.. the anaesthetist yg did my epidural did it so badly..he was an oncall dr.. so i had like almost 20 pokes on my back cz he couldnt find the right spot..at the end since i'm still at 3 cm..after 12 hours..dr decided to have a c-sect..

Alhamdulillah during my 12 hours in labour tu..xde contractions gile2..still can gelak with my hubby..

I gv birth at HUKM, normal ward..it was very comfortable.. nurses were ok..n although it was not 4 bedded or 2 bedded or single room, it was still very much comfortable and i had my own privacy..just draw the curtain n u wud have ur own space.. n every bed had its own fan n it has centralised air cond..n paling2 penting... ade water heater n toilet pun bearable..bersih..

Ok, so walaupun sedih kena csect but both of us can't wait for the birth of our 1st born.. her edd was 14th feb but she was born on 25th january instead..

The nurses wheeled me to the OR..mintak maaf n ampun dengan my hubs n he followed until depan pintu OR.. masuk OR mmg ramai org n everyone was like preparing for my baby girl.. I bius waist down je so i was still conscious of my surroundings.. tangan kena letak kat board mendepa mcm tu..kat perut tu they had kain to cover the operation procedure.. tp throught the glass of the lights kat atas ceiling i can still like nmpak what was happening..

My anaesthetist kt OR mmg tip top..he kept me company through out.. I had to do another anaesthetic procedure sbb the epidural tu mmg x jadi despite da cucuk 20 kali.. boo hoo.. but he buat sekali je da settle..

The dr had to wait for the bius to kick in until they asked me to move my toes n it didn't move..quite scary feeling actually sbb u nk gerakkan ur kaki but x boleh..

She actually put her scalpel on my tummy sbb nk check i boleh rase ke tak.. OMG..the feeling..she baru letak je belum slice lg..the pain..maybe it was the coldness of the scalpel..maybe it was pain..either way agak ngilu la lepas tu..

After the bius da kick in.. they started with the procedure.. sambil borak2 je.. n the anaesthetist kept me sane n occupied.. tanye soalan mcm2..

N then it was time to tug her out of my tummy..masya Allah.. initially she x nangis n i can see the nurses bwk her away n after a few seconds br she nangis.. my baby M..

Then they brought her to me..eyesight level..just showed ni baby puan n showed me her vjayjay n ckp perempuan ya.. my 1st reaction was..muke sape ni..y x putih baby i..hahaa..

Then lame la gak they stitched me up.. n they wheeled me out n kna tggu kt mane tah..n i x sabar nk jumpe my husband n baby..

After they wheeled me out of the OR area.. my husb came to me..beaming.. n asked.. 'yang, u dah tgk baby kite?' N he was super excited..

Tp i didn't knw at that time yang after 24 hours baru i will get to see my baby..

To be continued...