Maryam Maryssa part 2

After my csect, the nurses wheeled me to my bed in the ward.. i didnt know straight away that baby M was in NICU (neonatal intensive care unit)..it was only after i was at the ward n doss came n told me that the dr had put baby M at NICU because when she was at the labour room she had some peculiar breathing sounds n they also want to check her sugar level.. the 1st pic of our baby M was devastating..she had tubes around her face..

It was reaaaaly unexpected..u see, i'm the 4th child and all my siblings are married and have children..all my life i have always had role models for everything..even for during pregnancy etc..so i've sort of 'prepared' myself for all possibilty except the possibility that baby M might be in NICU..

At the ward, the common process was a mom would be admitted for 24 hours only..she comes in..wait for awhile..goes into labour..have the newborn baby next to her n within a few a hours they can go home..

So i was one of the moms who didnt have her baby beside her after giving birth..that was hard..

I immediately told the nurses that i want to go see my baby coz she is in NICU..but she told me since i just came out of an operation..i cant move until the next day..until they've taken off all the tubes off me..seriously masa tu i tak terpikir pun pasal my wound or my operation or sakit or anything.. at that time i was just pissed at the nurse for having the nerve to tell me that i can't see my baby..

Doss came n i immediately started crying.. he calmed me down n told me i needed to get better coz only then i can go see baby M.. masyaAllah.. imagine my hubs had to run down to level 1 to see baby n then come up to level 2 to see his wife yang dok sedih x dpt tgk baby.. plus he hasn't slept from 12 am the day before..

It was really a dugaan week for him after that..

The dr n nurses kept asking whether i've farted or have i gone to the toilet.. n i really berdoa n prayed n gagahkan diri to jalan n bangun n duduk so that i can see my baby as soon as possible..that night i wept as i look at her pic with tubes all over n everytime i spoke to anyone over the phone, be it my mom, doss, my sisters..asyik nangis je.. i told doss he had to come over to the hospital after subuh coz i want to see my baby pagi2 lagi..

I was a bit upset with him x allow me to bersalin at HUKM specialist centre.. if i had my own room surely doss or my mom could have stayed with me throughout the ordeal..

The next day the dr explained that they needed to stabilise Maryam's sugar level.. this is because she had been producing extra insulin for me whilst in my tummy..thats y dr couldnt detect my sugar was high mase pregnant..MasyaAllah anak syurga betul la kamu Maryam Maryssa..

But seriously..for a 1st time mother n parent, well actually for any mother, nothing can prepare you when u have ur newborn in the NICU.. it was really heartbreaking..at the same time we still kna jaga our emosi so that we dont get post natal depression or meroyan..

With my milk tak keluar because baby M couldnt suckle as she was strapped on with tubes n i tried pumping n none came out..n most probably due to stress also.. everytime i went back to the ward with no baby beside me when all the other mommies had their baby with them..it was hard..

By day 3 dr said I could go back coz my would all ok..but my baby couldnt go back yet.. at hukm their NICU didnt have a bed for mummy next to the baby..they had a waiting area with few beds n washroom but it was outside the NICU n it was quite a walk for a mom yang baru csect.. if i wanted to stay with baby i had to sleep on the oh so uncomfortable chair.. i did try for one night but it was sooo cold n i couldnt get rest at all coz had to change the baby, had to try to pump n the nurses kept on asking, 'ade x susu..ade x susu...pump je pump je..' which was not helping at all.. it made me more depressed..

But how can i leave my baby alone..will it make me a bad mom if i left her..if i go back i'm just gonna cry n cry coz i am not with her.. it was really2 tough.. n i started to think about mommies with premmie babies who had to stay in NICU for months.. MasyaAllah..u r all supermoms..

I told doss it was too cold for me to stay there n we wanted to check the waiting room n after walking there slowly.. he asked me whether i can manage on my own if i stayed there..having to walk back n forth.. n i told him i don't knw.. n i just burst out crying when he wanted to leave..

Alhamdulillah for Allah has chosen such a strong willed husband for me.. at that time he just told me to get my things n he wants to take me home to rest.. i cried and i told him for sure he would think less of me as I can even chin up n be there for my baby..that i was a bad mom.. he just hugged me and took me home and put me to bed n promised me that when i wake up we will go n visit maryam again..

(It was only after maryam was 1 year plus, i asked him how did he managed to be so strong n kept his composure throughout our ordeal..it was only then he said he did cry when he was at home but he knew one of us had to be the strong one in those trying times)

It was along day 4 or 5 that i made the 1st bad decision as a mother..maryam was no longer had tubes around her face n i was hoping that she can go back that day.. one look at her n i saw she was a bit yellow but i didnt tell the anyone.. even when the dr said he feels maryam can be discharged but just have to wait for his professor to make her rounds then they will settle all the paperwork for discharge.. i was ecstatic..

But then his prof came n just one look she said, 'kuning baby ni..' n my face dropped n terus menangis...

Doss said better for her to be there and fully recovered from everything before we bring her back..so we had to go back without baby again..boo hooooo...

It was only after 2 days later, Maryam was allowed to go back with us and our lives with our anak syurga has never been the same.. she has brought us soooo much joy and happiness and we are so blessed to have her..

Bonda loves you Maryam Maryssa.